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Original Submissions of type 'Spoofs'

  • 'Twas the Night Before Githmas by Sandy Claws
    Added on Dec 24, 2010

    A holiday parody.

    'Twas the night before Githmas, when all through the city
    not a PC was kilt in a manner unshitty;
    The PKs were done without thought for the ending,
    in hopes that Tektolnes would soon come attending.
    The children were nestled all snug in a bed,
    but nightmares of gypsies filled them with cold dread.
    Their mother and father both wore tandu caps,
    for fear they'd be easy to pwn in headwraps,
    when outside the window there came such a clatter,
    to their great surprise, it was a rope ladder.
    Away from the window one flew like a hawk,
    and wished up to the staff in hopes of a talk.
    The light of Lirathu was glowing so brightly,
    it revealed to all present a vision unsightly.
    Why, what sort of sight brought them back with two yanks?
    'Twas an enormous sleigh led by eight undead kanks,
    and a sizable mantis with descriptive flaws--
    they knew in a moment it was Sandy Claws.
    More rapid than erdlu his extinct kanks came
    and he whistled and clicked as he called them by name;
    (The couple could not understand a damned word--
    with such a low "listen," it's amazing they heard!
    They could've pasted it publicly on the GDB...
    but the staff would just say that it was too IC.)
    As dry sands that before the fierce desert storms fly,
    when they meet a noob without direction sense high,
    so up to the Tower the undead kanks flew,
    with a sleigh full of poison--and old Sandy Claws, too.
    And then, without warning, a great flash of light
    pierced the sky, making day what was formerly night.
    Behold:  surrounded by His black robed cronies
    floated He-Who-Saved-Us, the Dragon, Tektolnes.
    He was dressed all in fur, on his front and his sides,
    (how did he find that many gwoshi hides?)
    His robe-wearing boys, they had old Tek's back,
    prepared to defend their Highlord from attack.
    His eyes--oh, they twinkled, and flashed forth with fire,
    then the couple beheld a great battle transpire:
    Ol' Sandy Claws drew back his giant war bow,
    peraine on the tip of his green-fletched arrow.
    The stump of a pipe poked right out of Tek's mouth,
    and the smoke from the spice began to drift south--
    taking the form of a smoke-powered dragon,
    it crashed 'gainst the sleigh like a Byn-driven wagon.
    Distracted, confused, old Sandy's shot missed
    and skewered a Black Robe's wand-clutching fist.
    That wand fired off flames at the undead insects:
    They burned alive (dead--in some respects).
    With sleigh all asunder and kanks all a-fried,
    Good Sandy Claws knew that his four arms were tied.
    The Highlord just grinned, and he winked at the bug,
    his victory certain, he spoke with a shrug.
    "I handled Luir and I bested Muk Utep,
    battling me was your biggest misstep.
    I destroyed a great city--or haven't you heard?
    All that it took were five simple words."
    Sandy Claw's mandibles weren't designed
    to speak in the tongues of dwarf, elf, and mankind,
    but defeated, he tried--his words slow and leaden:
    "Merry...Githmas...to all...and to all..."


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                                 / __~/`~~~~~                               
    Happy Holidays and          / /       ~~~~   ***********************     
    Welcome to Armageddon!     ***          ~*****************************   
                              *****         ********************************* 
                              *****        ********         _-~~~-_  _****** 
    You may:                   ***       __--~`_    /   _-~         ~. *****_ 
    (N) Create a new account           -~             _~       ___,   ~-_   
    (C) Connect to your account      ,~ _-,       ~  _~              | ,    
    (V) Toggle ANSI/VT100 mode      / /~/      -~   /            ~  /  /  ~   
    (B) Toggle 'brief' menus        | |      _~    |        __-~  / _/  ~  ' 
    (D) Documentation menu           ~-_~   -   |  _      ~-____-~ .~  ~    | 
    (X) Exit Armageddon             /`.  __~~   ~   `_          __-~   ~    ~ 
    (?) Read menu options           _ ~~   .  |  .   ~-____--~~    _~   _/~  
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    Read the documentation        { |     __ _           _-     \~~\~~\~~
    menu before creating your     | ||~_ /`    ~  /    _/~  )   | |\~~\~~\~~
    character, please.            | ||  |"""""""|_ __-~     ;   | |~\~~\~~\~
                                   \  ({"""""""}\        _~  /  /~~\~~\~~\
    'Twas the night before Githmas, when all through the city
    not a PC was kilt in a manner unshitty;
    The PKs were done without thought for the ending,
    in hopes that Tektolnes would soon come attending.
    The children were nestled all snug in a bed,
    but nightmares of gypsies filled them with cold dread. Continue Reading...

  • The Tale of Cuff the Dwarf by Rhyden
    Added on Oct 29, 2006

    This is story of Cuff, a stupid and nasty dwarf to the very end.

     

    There once was a dwarf named Cuff, who thought there was no one more buff.
    Although real good with a sword, Cuff's head was as thick as a board.
    One day while hunting around, an elf, real tall, he found.
    Grunting real hard, Cuff said: "Th'feck ye doin'ere, point-head?"
     
    The elf just laughed and replied: "Hunting for strong, dwarf hide."
    Thinking the matter right through, Cuff's mighty anger grew.
    Instead of just leaving real quickly, Cuff made the problem more sticky.
    The elf smiled while raising his spear, as Cuff the dwarf came near.
     
    "Time t'die ye stupid fecker", said Cuff as he charged the necker.
    But the elf was rather quite fast, and Cuff just trundled right past.
    Cuff decided to run at him back, but the elf kicked him right in the sack.
    Moaning, Cuff did go down, with a purely painful frown.
     
    As the elf leaned over with a grin, Cuff cut him right in the shin.
    So both were down on the floor, groaning, moaning and more.
    Now elf and dwarf were grudging, but along came a half-giant, trudging.
    As the giant looked dumbly around, he asked: "Why both on da ground?"
     
    Neither spoke; hurt bad… the giant soon grew mad.
    He crushed them both on the spot, but didn't leave him to rot.
    Instead he got from this deal, an elf and a dwarf as a meal.
    This is the end of our Cuff, who's now mostly mushy and stuff.
     
    So if you don't want to end up food, act smart and don't be rude.
    And if you run into an elf, just run and save yourself.
     
     

     

    There once was a dwarf named Cuff, who thought there was no one more buff.

    Although real good with a sword, Cuff's head was as thick as a board.

    One day while hunting around, an elf, real tall, he found.

    Grunting real hard, Cuff said: "Th'feck ye doin'ere, point-head?"

     

    The elf just...


    Continue Reading...

  • Heru Got Ran Over By a Carru by davien
    Added on Feb 2, 2005

    Tongue-in cheek adaptation of 'Grandmom got ran over by a Reindeer', Blackwing-style.

    Heru got run over by a carru...
    running back to camp one Marnlee eve.
    You can say there's no such thing as chutzpah...
    But as for me and Malkah, we believe.

    We had just sat down to eating..
    The Marnlee feast was set just right...
    When out the gates there rose a clamor..
    We hurried up to finish final bites...

    She'd been drinkin' too much dark ale..
    She outdrank the entire clan
    But she made a bet with Galyn
    So she staggered out the gate into the sand

    Heru got run over by a carru...
    running back to camp on Marnlee eve..
    You can say there's no such thing as chutzpah...
    But as for me and Malkah, we believe...

    When we found her Marnlee mornin',
    Hoofprints walking up her back
    There were empties by her war braids
    And sixty-five dead carru in a stack

    Heru got run over by a carru...
    running back to camp on Marnlee eve..
    You can say there's no such thing as chutzpah...
    But as for me and Malkah, we believe...

    Now we're all so scared of Malkah,
    She's not taking this so well.
    See her in there playing quarters,
    Drink her beer, and give the younglings so much hell.

    It's not Marnlee without Heru.
    All the blackwing back to back.
    And we just can't help but wonder:
    Should we duke it out or barbecue a snack.

    Heru got run over by a carru...
    running back to camp on Marnlee eve..
    You can say there's no such thing as chutzpah...
    But as for me and Malkah, we believe...

    Heru got run over by a carru...
    running back to camp one Marnlee eve.
    You can say there's no such thing as chutzpah...
    But as for me and Malkah, we believe.

    We had just sat down to eating..
    The Marnlee feast was set just right...
    When out the gates there rose a clamor..
    We hurried up to finish final...
    Continue Reading...